‘But what about the beaches,’ they say.
Yes, the beaches, it’s the standard response from Sydneysiders when you tell them Melbourne is in fact the superior city.
We have beaches in Melbourne too and depending on where you live in Sydney, the beaches in my city are closer and easier to get to.
Also, no one actually likes the beach, they just pretend to like the beach, everyone actually hates the beach.
You’ve got to drive there, somehow find a parking spot, lug 20kg of gear over a kilometre hike in hot weather, lay out your stuff, put your feet in the water for two minutes, sit on a towel and pretend to read a book, then hike back hot and bothered with sand in every crevice, drive home and pretend you had fun.
Now it’s established everyone hates the beach, what does Sydney hold over Melbourne?
Answer: nothing.
Kyle Sandilands is a rating success in Sydney but not in Melbourne… hmmm, what does that tell you?
Wow, it’s the Sydney Harbour Bridge
Kyle Sandilands (pictured) is a rating success in Sydney but not in Melbourne
I, like any proper Melbourne loyalist, absolutely hate the hellhole that is Sydney but I always gave the city credit where credit was due.
I always maintained Sydney had the better Chinatown and although I was depressed about my impending extended stay in the gloomy Harbour City, my woes were offset with the knowledge that at least I’d be able to indulge in my favourite Chinatown food court and devour a new laksa every night.
Oh, how wrong I was.
The food court had been shut down and I couldn’t find a decent Malaysian restaurant or laksa despite conducting a recon of the city with a fine tooth comb.
I remember a time when you could walk down Haymarket blindfolded, throw a rock and you’d hit a decent laksa joint.
Now where are the laksas? Show me the laksas!
In Melbourne our Malaysian cuisine is plentiful and high quality, and it’s the laksa capital of Australia despite media reports suggesting otherwise.
Next, the weather.
Laksa is the king of noodle soups in Melbourne but has almost gone into oblivion in Sydney
People pretending to have a good time at Bondi Beach (pictured)
‘Our weather is better,’ Sydneysiders say.
No, it’s not.
It’s always humid, or it has been during my 11 days here.
I shower and freshen up in the aircon but by the time I trundle the nine-minute walk to the office I desperately need another shower.
It’s also pissed down raining on my only Saturday here so I sulked back to my apartment and watched the racing (which I can admit Sydney racing is better than Melbourne and The Everest is the best race in the world).
Speaking of piss, the coffee in Sydney is rubbish.
I’m not a so-called Melbourne coffee snob but the coffee I drank in Sydney was pure cat piss. After five days of fails I bit the bullet and went to Starbucks and even their coffee tasted worse than usual.
It’s like Starbucks sell a brew just to cater for the inferior Sydney coffee palate.
Ceolwulf (pictured) is a Sydney horse and possibly racing’s next big superstar, as Paul Shapiro concedes Sydney racing is better than Melbourne
Next, distances.
Everything is Sydney is so far away.
Sydneysiders somehow think travelling 90 minutes each way to and from work and home is a reasonable journey.
If anyone had to travel 90 minutes for work in Melbourne it would probably make the front page of the dailies.
Lifestyle is better in Melbourne.
Wow, the Opera House, Sydney Harbour Bridge, seen it once, that’s enough, I’d rather go see Venom 3 at the movies.
Sydneysiders lament the lock out laws which they claimed killed nightlife in the city but who actually enjoys going to nightclubs?
Nightclubs are like beaches, no one actually likes going to one but they do anyway.
Sydneysiders queuing forever for public transport
Lining up for half an hour and paying overs for watered down vodka in a packed zoo cage, yes, what a great time that is!
Melbourne has our fair share of sad nightclubs but our pub culture is bit more low-key, food is better, people are better dressed, most like a bit of banter, we have Australia’s national sport AFL to talk about, our chicken parmas are great.
Melbourne invented the dim sim and we are home to the South Melbourne dimmy, we know how to cook them properly too.
Sydney doesn’t have any decent dimmies or pub grub except $15 slop steaks and 12 buck schooners of Tooheys and Hahn Superdry.
What’s the best beer in Australia? Answer: Melbourne Bitter with VB not far off.
You see the name… MELBOURNE Bitter!
VB beer (pictured) also known as the ‘Very Best’
I went to Subway out of desperation the other night because I couldn’t find a decent feed anywhere in the CBD.
I arrived about 7pm (the store closed at 9pm) and they had stopped serving meatball subs.
If a Subway in Melbourne stopped serving meatball subs at 7pm it would be run out of time… Melburnians demand and expect quality and if you don’t supply it, you’re done.
To be fair, everywhere in Sydney’s ghost town CBD closed ridiculously early so I don’t want to single out Subway.
But Melbourne’s CBD is pretty much going 24-hours a day.
We have the famous Greek joint Stalactites Restaurant slap bang in the middle of the CBD which serves lavish banquets until 2am in the morning.
You want a pizza or a noodle at 3am? We have you covered.
Where’s the pizza in Sydney? Show me the pizza!
Unbearable traffic jams are commonplace in Sydney
Now, I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking how can this guy make a proper evaluation of Sydney when he just moped around the CBD for 11 days.
Well I can’t, but honestly, going out to any nearby suburb with some character and community was honestly not worth the hassle.
I was looking at a hard 30-45 minute trip to get anywhere decent and I couldn’t be sure the time and effort would be worth it.
In Melbourne, you’re a 15-minute train or tram ride to a hotspot such as Chapel St South Yarra, the inner west and Footscray, even out to the inner east, Richmond and Hawthorn, it barely takes any effort at all.
I haven’t even told you about the mecca that is Melbourne’s magical inner north where old school blue-collar migrant families mingle with the young and trendy.
You can hit Brunswick or the world’s best park, Edinburgh Gardens at Fitzroy North, in 10 minutes flat.
And I wouldn’t even dare to drive in Sydney.
What an absolute cluster@#*% it is, bridges, tunnels, absolute psychos taking death-defying chances and every street is one-way.
Sydney, do you realise you can have cars drive both ways on a street? Look into it, could be worth following up…
Melburnians people having fun on Chapel Street, South Yarra
I crossed at a pedestrian crossing the other day and an irate Sydney driver (who could blame him) almost goaded me into running across the stripes, given the opportunity he would’ve run me over.
And he wasn’t the only motorist out to try and get me.
Maybe they could sense I was from Melbourne or something.
But I’m not hostile Sydneysiders, so before you get the knives out and come for me just know that I am an empathetic Melburnian.
I feel your plight and invite you to come down and visit my hometown and see for yourself what you’re missing out on.
And if you do decide to return then feel free to take what’s made Melbourne great and unleash it on Sydney – so we can end this silly rivalry once and for all.
