Dear Vanessa,
I’m in my early 30s and, on paper, I should be doing okay.
I work full-time, I earn decent money and I try to be careful with my spending. I don’t live extravagantly and I save when I can. But when it comes to buying a home, I feel completely stuck.
A lot of my friends have bought places in the last few years. They talk about their mortgages, renovations and how stressful the buying process was.
What doesn’t always get said out loud is how they managed to get there.
Their parents helped them.
Some were given money for a deposit. Others lived at home rent-free for years.
A few had parents go guarantor on their loan. In different ways, they got support from the Bank of Mum and Dad that made buying possible.
Money educator Vanessa Stoykov (pictured) gives advice to a woman who feels left behind because she can’t afford to buy a home – and has no financial assistance from her parents, like many of her friends
My parents can’t do that.
They’re good people and they worked hard all their lives, but they don’t have spare money. They’re still paying off their own home and thinking about retirement.
They feel bad they can’t help, and I feel guilty even wishing they could.
I try not to compare myself, but it’s hard. Watching friends move ahead makes me feel like I’ve failed, even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong.
I rent. I save when I can. But between rent, bills and everyday costs, it feels like I’m chasing a moving target.
I don’t want to be jealous or bitter, but this is eating away at me to the point my social life is struggling. I just want to stop feeling like I’m falling behind in life.
How do I make my peace with this?
Feeling Left Behind.
Dear Feeling Left Behind,
What you’re feeling is incredibly common – and rarely spoken about honestly.
Buying a home today isn’t just about how hard you work or how careful you are with money. For many people, it comes down to family support. That’s not a judgement. It’s simply the reality of the housing market now.
When your friends get help and you don’t, it can feel deeply unfair. You can love your parents, understand their limits and still feel sad about what they can’t offer. Those feelings can exist at the same time.
The mistake many people make is comparing themselves to others without factoring in where they started.
If your friends had family help and you didn’t, you’re not behind – you’re just playing by different rules. Measuring yourself against them will only make you feel like you’re failing, when you’re not.
It’s also important to say this clearly: renting is not a personal failure. It’s not a sign you didn’t try hard enough or made bad decisions. It’s a reflection of timing, wages and housing costs – not your worth.
Right now, your focus shouldn’t be catching up to anyone else. It should be protecting your future without breaking yourself to do it.
That might mean renting for longer while you build savings. It might mean staying flexible rather than locking yourself into a mortgage that leaves you stressed every month. It might mean focusing on growing your income or skills before taking on long-term debt.
It also helps to rethink what security really means. For some people, it’s owning a home. For others, it’s having options, savings and peace of mind – even if that means renting.
There is also a quiet grief that comes with realising you won’t get the same leg-up others did. Acknowledging that doesn’t make you ungrateful. It makes you human.
You are not failing. You are navigating a system that has changed – and doing the best you can within it.
Warm regards,
Vanessa.
