Artwork for ‘In The Pants of a Woman’
You are preparing for your big day. It is your much-talked-about wedding ─ a day you have dreamed of since your teens. Decoration. Check. Gowns and suits. Check. Food. Check. Almost everything is set. So far, your current expenditure is running over GH¢100,000. Friends and family from afar and near have blocked your big day on their calendars. Some are already on a flight. They are not missing it for anything.
And then… you get a phone call. It is your would-be wife’s fiancé. Yes, fiancé. Not ex. And wait, he is not alone on the call. He is with five others. They all found out that she had played a game on them, and she was getting married to another man. Some of them send you evidence of their intimate affair with your special one. Your heart is racing at the speed of a Formula 1 car. You slap yourself. No, it is not a dream. When you confront her, she starts begging. It was the work of the devil. Your community of fellow boyfriends was right. You have been hoodwinked even though you made it to the finishing line.
Now pause, take a deep breath, and reflect. Thousands of cedis spent. Countless days spent building a relationship and planning for the big day. Would you still go ahead and marry?
There is no perfect wo/man out there. As human as we are, we all have our shortcomings. However, a shortcoming that you cannot contain in a lifelong relationship is a red flag you should not take for granted. Despite everybody having an imperfection of some sort, some imperfections can kill you before your time!
The first sincere lesson any person who has ever tasted marriage would share with you is, “Never ignore the red flags!” Ignored red flags later bring tears. They were right in your face but your biological clock clouded your judgment. For others, their penchant for a wedding made them let go of any red flag that could stand in the way of that event.
It is better for a wedding not to happen than for a marriage not to happen. No amount of money spent on a wedding that would be called off can compensate for the emotional damage a failed marriage will inflict on a couple and their children. No amount of time spent planning a failed wedding would be equal to the time that would be wasted on a marriage that could not see the light of day.
When people pray to God to prove to them whether or not a wo/man is destined to be with them, He does exactly that. Often, we pay little attention to what He is saying because our minds are already made up. We pay more attention to how good our potential spouses are in bed than how often they lie to us. We are more focused on their height than how trashy they treat us.
When a wo/man shows you who they are, believe them. Never assume they would change after a wedding. If they could not change all of their existence, how dare you think a one-day event would make them turn over a new leaf? What you see when dating is what you get after walking down the aisle!
Red flags in a relationship are life’s measures of cautioning you of the dangers ahead. You ignore them at your peril. A red flag is an alarm. It means something is wrong. When dating, red flags are like cubs. They lurk around; seemingly unharmful. Both of you may even find excuses for them.
After the wedding, there is nothing to hide. That is when these cubs grow into lions that maul everything that stands in their way. Suddenly, you would assume the other has changed. No, they did not change. You changed. You are the one who can no longer accommodate the lion!
The essence of paying attention to red flags is that you are not only going to be its victim. On the day you walk down the aisle, you are inadvertently deciding for your already existing family and unborn children. If that marriage hits the rocks, families will become sworn enemies and children will have no happy home to grow in.
No marriage is without conflict. There are disagreements. Couples go through different shades of tests. However, a marriage can barely stand the test of time when red flags blow up to become self-inflicted tests. Every day, that family reaps a harvest. Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs) become a norm. Abuse becomes the only means of communication.
It takes only the bold to chicken out of a wedding just hours before it happens. However, such bold people will always have their peace of mind while the timid walk into a marriage that will eventually tear them into pieces. Always remember that it is better to lose a wo/man before a wedding than after it. Before a wedding, only you will be hurt. After a wedding, a lot more people will be hurt… especially when children are involved.
Marriage is not a do-or-die affair. It does not signify accomplishment. Marrying the wrong person is a needless venture you should avoid. Eventually, it leaves you wasted. Some had more dignity when they were single than when they wore a ring. Others assume every home is on fire because they entered into an oven disguised as marriage.
There are great wo/men out there who are single. While waiting to meet such, keep adding value to yourself. Admit your shortcomings too and work hard at correcting them. While at it, keep sharpening your senses to spot the red flags regardless of how subtle they are.
Marriage is not a race. It is not about who marries first but whose marriage lasts longer. It is better to be the last to be married than the first to be divorced. You may not be getting any younger but, at least, you are promised your peace of mind each day. Mind you, life in a marriage that was never meant to happen is war each day. Getting married may have been your topmost prayer point but a wo/man who will gamble away all your life savings through poor choices will soon be your topmost prayer point if you do not walk away now!
Red means stop. When people wave their red flags in your face, don’t be stubborn. Stop!
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